Here are your weekly friday funnies. Hope you enjoy!!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched In horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
Linda and Deloris
Linda and Deloris are outside their home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Deloris pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Linda: What in the hell is that?
Deloris: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Linda: Where did you get it?
Deloris: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Linda hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 70 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Things NEVER said by Southerners
- Duct tape won't fix that.
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
- We don't keep firearms in the house.
- You can't feed that to the dog.
- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- Honey, we don't need another dog.
- Who's Richard Petty?
- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds
- Too many deer heads detract from the decor
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today (That's for you Mrs. Mom, we know how you LOVE Wally World, lol. You might be the only Southerner to say those words)
- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I've got it all on the C drive.
- There's too much sugar in this tea.
- I believe you cooked those greens too long
There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.
As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. “She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!” To which his father replied, “Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!”
(ok,ok, that one WAS bad, lol, I’ll try to redeem myself with the next one)
Rules For Yankees Who Move To The South
- Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
- Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
- Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
- Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an ACC or SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
- Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
- Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
- No, the state symbol of North Carolina is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
- Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
- Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
- Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
- We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here
Ok, if that didn't redeem me, I will make SURE to get some Northerner and Yankee jokes up next week for ya!! lol Have a great weekend (and maybe drier) everyone! Last weekend of soccer for us, maybe I'll actually get some pictures this time! I keep forgetting my camera.