There's a saying on FHOTD that she says sometimes when people should just stop talking. I think I need to take her advice of "just because you think it, doesn't mean it should come out of your mouth." Or something to that extent. While obvious advice, why is that SO hard? Most of us do it occasionally, but I think I do more than my fair share. Why?? I have lost my self control.
I had always been a pretty shy and quiet girl growing up. I wasn't really part of any cliques in school. I was in band (hehe, I know, band geek) and French Club, but I really didn't have any group that I fit into to be labeled as something, like jock or goth or whatever. I was just kind of there. A wall flower. I dated a guy once, who was first a really good friend and it was just too weird to date so we broke up and stayed friends, who said it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. I'll admit back in my karate days I could brag about that one, lol. But I was nothing to admire. I was always in awe of my mom because she always seemed super popular to me. She had so many friends and just knew people everywhere we went. She was super outgoing and volunteered for everything and everyone liked her. She passed away when I was 15 and I think I didn't have enough time to learn from her. As an example of how popular she was, the funeral procession was over a mile and 1/2 long. They didn't have enough flags. Everyone thinks yeah, yeah a mile long, they're all that long. Not so. Drive and see how long a mile really is. When you're going 60 miles an hour down the expressway, it takes a full looooong minute to get by the procession. I'm proud of that, but anyhow, I think I didn't have enough time to learn everything I needed to know to be my own person.
I learned this and came into my own by working at......TARGET!!! My first job was an oriental fast food place where they walked all over me. I swear I was making $4.75 an hour and working 60 hours a week at age 15, and somehow I still only made like $3,000 my first year. lol But there, I worked hard and good, but they trampled all over me. They used and abused my willingness to please and I got nothing but a couple bucks in my pocket. When I saw Target was hiring for....$6.75 an hour (lol, thinking I'd get rich), I quit that stinking fast food place where my car and I both permanently smelled from, and started working as a stock person at Target. And let me tell you, these women that worked at Target, WOW. They were full of themselves and I totally idolized them. They didn't take nothing from nobody. They were big, luscious, hearty, bold, (mostly hick) in your face women. They spoke their mind. When I started there, no one really talked to me. Finally one lady in the department that I was working in began talking to me and finding out stuff, we became friends. Once I became friends with her, everyone started talking to me more. I took some crap from some of the boys there at first and just kind of hid or stayed quiet when they were around, even though looking back, maybe it was really flirting, lol. Most of the women there were maybe mid 40's-ish, give or take 10 years on some. I was around 19. The boys that worked there were my age or a tad older. I never really had a lot of interaction with these types of boys. They were kind of wild, in your face too and not shy about anything. Once I started hanging around with these women, I started figuring out that if you want something, or don't want something or who cares if you do or don't, if you want to say something or have something to say, you should just say it!! No messing around with them. I started becoming like them and it felt GREAT. When I first started speaking my mind, I think some of the guys were a little taken back and looked at me in a new light. We started mingling then and I was included in their little group. It was great. I was unleashing about everything, on everything, on everyone and to everyone.
As I got older and began to enter the professional field, I had to learn how to restrain that free for all feeling. It was running wild and taking over me. Now, here almost 10 years later, I am realizing I must not have a grip on it still. My boss drives me insane sometimes. He likes to try to be all philosophical (if that's a word) and try to analyze your every thought. He tries to get you to say things so that he can use them against you, constantly, and he knows I will fall into his trap all the time. I will admit our atmosphere here at my work is more relaxed than a lot of law offices. We are very personal and some people actually tell me what happens here sometimes boarders on harassment. I could care less, I hold my own and just don't care. I'm not uncomfortable or bothered. But I opened mouth and inserted foot many times in the past 5 years. Being so personal almost makes it feel like family/friend type relationships instead of "I'm your boss, I sign your paycheck, you better respect me and do what I say" type relationship like it should be. I argue way too much for my own good. I talk back. I roll my eyes and talk smack about one boss to the other all the time. BUT, I always do my work and it's ALWAYS good. I made my main boss admit that :) I also turned this place around when I started. He was so disorganized and had no sense of process, so I organized everything and made up procedures to follow. So much to the point that he tells me now I micromanage everything and to stop. Sorry, can't stop a perfectionist once you've given her so much power. lol. So I ask, what's the problem? If I'm doing my job and it's right and good, why should I get reprimanded for being "moody" or "grumpy?" And then when I (stupidly) say that I'm just a product of my environment, I get "the look." lol. I don't even think my dad ever gave me that look in all I said and did to him.
How do I get myself over myself? For lack of a better way of saying it. How do I gain some self control when I've been flapping at the jaws at will for so long? How do I make my brain reconnect with my mouth so that I know when to just shut it? Ahhh, life's lessons. Hopefully I learn before it turns around to kick me in the butt.
Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin' is to knowin' what to throw away, and knowing what to keep.... You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run........
Have a good weekend :))