Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Funnies!!!

And now for THIS weeks......FRIDAY FUNNIES!!!!!! (Some are a little riskay, so cover your eyes if you are under 18 :))

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
__________________________________________
The Irish Drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'My girlfriend's gone, too!!
______________________________________________

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said; "Dave don't worry about it", you aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last, and you're single, just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering..........Dave..............you're a vet"

...ok, that was just wrong. lol
___________________________________________

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
________________________________

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother,
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken
among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a
get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my
brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her
wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it
was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet?'
____________________________________

Ok, that's all for now folks!! Actually wait. I have something that's pretty funny here from one of our fellow bloggers. Reading and picturing the scene that Lisa over at Laughing Orca Ranch wrote about in their "goat herding" incident left me wiping my eyes because it was so funny. So in case you missed it, hop on over there and take a peep, because I tell you, you will get some jollies from that for sure!!

Have a great weekend!!

6 comments:

Mrs Mom said...

ROFLMAOPIP!!

Thank Yo Ezra!!! We needed that, and LOVED the UPS one!!!!

Have an AWESOME weekend girl! ;)

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

lol! Is that toilet water story about you??! That was just too darn funny. Picturing Daddy's face when he got the bad news. lol!

The UPS oe made me laugh...especially the mouse and cat. hehe

I'm glad you enjoyed the goat wrangling photos. :D

By the way, stop by my blog, as I've got a goodie for you :)

~Lisa

ezra_pandora said...

My pleasure. Although I definitely have some stories similar to the toilet water story, my dad says thankfully that was not one of them. lol

LOR: I had my husband read the goat wrangling post and he was laughing his butt off too.

And thanks for that goodie :) I have to get to posting it here soon.

Melissa said...

These are too funny!
And, OMG!!! . . . the vet!

Roxmysox said...

OT But I thought this might be of interest regarding the multiple kids....

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=091_1234118428

ezra_pandora said...

Rox, isn't that disgusting?? I knew she worked at mental health facility and had gotten hurt there and was on disability. Ok, fine. THEN, I read that she said being pregnant back in 2001 or so (with I believe a single birth, but don't quote me) made her injuries hurt worse. Ok, duh, common sense (which we know she has none of anyhow) would dictate if something makes you hurt WORSE, you don't do it!! Especially with the odds of having multiples with in vitro is extremely high. grrr. I have a little email chat group and one lady was trying to defend her with the argument that any other person with high multiples like that gets all these free offers and all she's getting is grief because "she's single and a woman of color". THAT friend really set me off because her argument was based on race (she's a woman of color) until she found out this chick wasn't "of color." Then she dropped the main basis of her argument and kept up with the because she's single argument. Mine was that if she wasn't disabled, if she wasn't single, and if she didn't already have 6 kids that she had to have help taking care of, and if she probably wasn't going to end up on state aid, people probably wouldn't be giving her a hard time and would be offering her stuff and be happy for her. My friend kept saying this lady was getting the short end of the stick. Well, no one should have kids and then get mad when big companies aren't giving THEM handouts which is exactly what this chick is doing. She's mad no one is stepping in to offer her free things. Ugh. I could go on, but it's so exasperating (if that's the right spelling, lol) I want to shriek.

 

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