Here are your Friday Funnies for today. I hope you enjoy!
Marriage
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
______________________________
Haunting from the grave
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
________________________________
The Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could pee all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
___________________________
The Empire State Building
Three men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to one of the others, "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor."
The other man says "no way, you're jokin aren't you?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 3rd man just shakes his head.
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The 3rd man says to the first man.. "You know, you're a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"
_______________________________
and lastly.... 25 Signs you drink too much coffee
1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
3. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
4. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
5. You chew on other people's fingernails.
6. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
7. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
8. You don't sweat, you percolate.
9. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
10.You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
11.You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
12.Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
13.You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
14.The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
15.Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
16.Instant coffee takes too long.
17.When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
18.You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
19.Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
20.You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
22.You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
22.You short out motion detectors.
23.Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
24.You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
25.You help your dog chase its tail.
Ok, that's enough today. Maybe I need some coffee to keep up with my little rugamuffin man. He zips through the house so fast he's a blur! lol Have a great day and hope your weekend is nice and dry (at least for all of us who have been having non-stop rain the past few days!) Our move to the new barn is Sunday. So far, so good.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
TGIF Friday Funnies
Here are your Friday Funnies to make you some smiles :) (sorry I missed last week)
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your Coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
11 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
_________________________________
Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work... You try
that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again... "I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
__________________________________
Children Writing About the Ocean...and where do they get these ideas???
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,
age eight)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't bl ow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,
really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous... Jellyfish can sting.. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age eight)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean..
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
________________________________
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians !"
______________________________
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
___________________________
And lastly, some underlying State Mottos (I know Ohio is DEFINITELY true! lol, Sorry you Michiganders!)
Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
______________________________
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your Coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
11 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
_________________________________
Sick Leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work... You try
that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again... "I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
__________________________________
Children Writing About the Ocean...and where do they get these ideas???
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,
age eight)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't bl ow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,
really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous... Jellyfish can sting.. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age eight)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean..
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
________________________________
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians !"
______________________________
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
___________________________
And lastly, some underlying State Mottos (I know Ohio is DEFINITELY true! lol, Sorry you Michiganders!)
Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
______________________________
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Thoughts and dilemas
Wow, what a week. lol The interview went well for the most part. I did say something to make both ladies look at each other, raise their eyebrows and nod in agreement, so that was good. But then they asked what my ex-boss would say if they were to call him. That was a sticky one. I just kind of chuckled and said I had no idea because he was always full of surprises. They laughed and moved right on, so that must have been ok, but who knows really what he will say if they call. My sister did tell me something else that is quite clever to say if I get asked that question again, and if he says something to make me look bad, he will look like the jerk. They told me they would be calling people back for second interviews with the attorneys this week, so we'll see. I also got a letter from a place I sent a resume to (a really really good paying county job) and it stated they were beginning the interview process. So I guess that's good, it wasn't an outright NO. lol
Last Wednesday I had my lesson. It didn't start out so well. Trainer had lessons with the two little girls first, so she told me come a little later so that she could unwind after them and I wouldn't have to deal with them. They are kind of annoying and rude. I got there, gave my girl a great grooming and when the little girls were done riding and taking saddles off to do showmanship, she told me come out when I was ready. So I went out and the one little girl has the gelding who's attached to Sassie, so he started whinnying and rearing up. Bad omen #1. That got my girl worked up too. I had also forgotten to cinch up the girth tighter, so I did that before I got on. Bad thing #2. I didn't jog her around like I ALWAYS do since we flipped over last year. Bad thing #3. After I tightened it, I went to get on, by the step stool (which she hates), by cones (which she hates) and at a place in the arena that I usually don't get on at. Bad things #4 and 5. She needs to get over that stuff anyhow, but maybe not all at once. lol I was setting myself up for sure. After I get on, she started jumping up a little and hopping around. I figured it was because that gelding was still acting up and figured if we just sat for a minute while the trainer got him calmed down, SHE would calm down. Bad thing #6. She didn't. I tried to urge her into a walk and right away she reared up and leaped to the the left, I went off to the right and landed on the hardest packed part of the arena. Owwwww. I landed on the lower left part of my back and on my left wrist and had my right arm up in case she would come back toward me. She didn't thankfully and just stopped. Oh my gosh, I was soooo sore until about yesterday. I think being 30 and all, I'm not as bendy or heal as quickly as I used to. lol So I got myself up and loosened the girth a notch, jogged her around and got back on. Needless to say, we didn't lope to the left Wednesday. I didn't think I could handle her jumping into the left lead lope. We did lope to the right though and we had a good lesson. I learned my lesson and will heed my mare's warnings from now on.
Well, it is official. I believe we will be changing barns. My mare kicked out two boards in her stall, and to show us how much the barn owner hates our horse, he just left the boards out of there for her to get her head caught or legs hurt. I went early Friday morning to clean stalls quick, I was too sore to ride, and I discovered that there were two boards missing. One from the sliding door and one between her and our other mare. (because of barn owners great idea of putting them next to each other because they get along juuuuuust fine and don't kick. uh huh) Well, we went out Sunday, the boards still hadn't been fixed and the barn owner came out just as we were cleaning stalls. He made sure to come over and call my horse an f-ing b!xxx because she broke those boards and he had to go buy more. Um, he's got FOUR empty stalls he could have borrowed boards from. But he didn't. Totally ridiculous. That was Thursday the boards were broken, possibly Wednesday night. Here is was Monday and he still hadn't fixed them. When anyone else's horse breaks something, he makes sure it is fixed immediately. But I think he wanted her to get hurt to show us how stupid my horse is. Well he got his wish. I had my dad go out with me yesterday to ride and to help fix them since the owner had no plans to and hadn't yet. Now my horse has three cuts on her back left leg. Two are new ones and one is from one of her old scars breaking open. whatever. We'll take our $500 elsewhere and let him cater to the boarders he has left. I called the new barn and we are going out to see it today. The trainer said this barn is much better (she really doesn't have a vested interest, just has a couple lessons there) and we will be much happier. She said they have drama there too, but it's all family drama and as long as we make sure to stay out of it and not take sides, we will be fine.
I don't want to leave on bad terms. There is no contract. So technically we don't have to give any notice. And it's not like he has a waiting list. There are 9 empty stalls at that barn. I know why. If we like the new barn tonight, I want to tell him immediately we are leaving at the end of the month. My husband says he doesn't want to because we know my horse is going to get treated like crap. The barn owner already treats her that way, that's why she's reared up on him in the past and swings her butt to him when he goes into her stall. I've been there when he's hit her in the face to get her to back up. I was too shocked to say anything when he did it and that was my mistake. I should have whacked him in the face with my lead rope and asked how he liked it since he's an ass too. We know how he treats other horses that don't act perfectly for him. Any advice as what to say? I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of mentioning we are very uncomfortable being out there when certain other boarders are there, which is the truth. My husband refuses to go out if he thinks they are there so that he can avoid conflicts and comments made. He's even drove the whole 1/2 hour out there only to turn around and go right home once he sees their cars. Why have horses if you are too uncomfortable to go out and ride and enjoy them? He wants to get rid of them because of that. So we need to move. I want to comment too that since the barn owner thinks mares in general are such a hassle (or p-i-t-a), he won't have to deal with them anymore, but that gives way for him to argue that they aren't really a problem (even thought they clearly are to him) and that it's just my mare causing the problems. So, I guess when it comes down to it, we will figure out what to say and it will have to do.
It's supposed to be absolutely gorgeous the next few days. Even up to 83 on Thursday. Me thinks the girls will be getting their long overdue first bath of the season :))
Last Wednesday I had my lesson. It didn't start out so well. Trainer had lessons with the two little girls first, so she told me come a little later so that she could unwind after them and I wouldn't have to deal with them. They are kind of annoying and rude. I got there, gave my girl a great grooming and when the little girls were done riding and taking saddles off to do showmanship, she told me come out when I was ready. So I went out and the one little girl has the gelding who's attached to Sassie, so he started whinnying and rearing up. Bad omen #1. That got my girl worked up too. I had also forgotten to cinch up the girth tighter, so I did that before I got on. Bad thing #2. I didn't jog her around like I ALWAYS do since we flipped over last year. Bad thing #3. After I tightened it, I went to get on, by the step stool (which she hates), by cones (which she hates) and at a place in the arena that I usually don't get on at. Bad things #4 and 5. She needs to get over that stuff anyhow, but maybe not all at once. lol I was setting myself up for sure. After I get on, she started jumping up a little and hopping around. I figured it was because that gelding was still acting up and figured if we just sat for a minute while the trainer got him calmed down, SHE would calm down. Bad thing #6. She didn't. I tried to urge her into a walk and right away she reared up and leaped to the the left, I went off to the right and landed on the hardest packed part of the arena. Owwwww. I landed on the lower left part of my back and on my left wrist and had my right arm up in case she would come back toward me. She didn't thankfully and just stopped. Oh my gosh, I was soooo sore until about yesterday. I think being 30 and all, I'm not as bendy or heal as quickly as I used to. lol So I got myself up and loosened the girth a notch, jogged her around and got back on. Needless to say, we didn't lope to the left Wednesday. I didn't think I could handle her jumping into the left lead lope. We did lope to the right though and we had a good lesson. I learned my lesson and will heed my mare's warnings from now on.
Well, it is official. I believe we will be changing barns. My mare kicked out two boards in her stall, and to show us how much the barn owner hates our horse, he just left the boards out of there for her to get her head caught or legs hurt. I went early Friday morning to clean stalls quick, I was too sore to ride, and I discovered that there were two boards missing. One from the sliding door and one between her and our other mare. (because of barn owners great idea of putting them next to each other because they get along juuuuuust fine and don't kick. uh huh) Well, we went out Sunday, the boards still hadn't been fixed and the barn owner came out just as we were cleaning stalls. He made sure to come over and call my horse an f-ing b!xxx because she broke those boards and he had to go buy more. Um, he's got FOUR empty stalls he could have borrowed boards from. But he didn't. Totally ridiculous. That was Thursday the boards were broken, possibly Wednesday night. Here is was Monday and he still hadn't fixed them. When anyone else's horse breaks something, he makes sure it is fixed immediately. But I think he wanted her to get hurt to show us how stupid my horse is. Well he got his wish. I had my dad go out with me yesterday to ride and to help fix them since the owner had no plans to and hadn't yet. Now my horse has three cuts on her back left leg. Two are new ones and one is from one of her old scars breaking open. whatever. We'll take our $500 elsewhere and let him cater to the boarders he has left. I called the new barn and we are going out to see it today. The trainer said this barn is much better (she really doesn't have a vested interest, just has a couple lessons there) and we will be much happier. She said they have drama there too, but it's all family drama and as long as we make sure to stay out of it and not take sides, we will be fine.
I don't want to leave on bad terms. There is no contract. So technically we don't have to give any notice. And it's not like he has a waiting list. There are 9 empty stalls at that barn. I know why. If we like the new barn tonight, I want to tell him immediately we are leaving at the end of the month. My husband says he doesn't want to because we know my horse is going to get treated like crap. The barn owner already treats her that way, that's why she's reared up on him in the past and swings her butt to him when he goes into her stall. I've been there when he's hit her in the face to get her to back up. I was too shocked to say anything when he did it and that was my mistake. I should have whacked him in the face with my lead rope and asked how he liked it since he's an ass too. We know how he treats other horses that don't act perfectly for him. Any advice as what to say? I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of mentioning we are very uncomfortable being out there when certain other boarders are there, which is the truth. My husband refuses to go out if he thinks they are there so that he can avoid conflicts and comments made. He's even drove the whole 1/2 hour out there only to turn around and go right home once he sees their cars. Why have horses if you are too uncomfortable to go out and ride and enjoy them? He wants to get rid of them because of that. So we need to move. I want to comment too that since the barn owner thinks mares in general are such a hassle (or p-i-t-a), he won't have to deal with them anymore, but that gives way for him to argue that they aren't really a problem (even thought they clearly are to him) and that it's just my mare causing the problems. So, I guess when it comes down to it, we will figure out what to say and it will have to do.
It's supposed to be absolutely gorgeous the next few days. Even up to 83 on Thursday. Me thinks the girls will be getting their long overdue first bath of the season :))
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The many miscellaneous
Thank you all for your pros and cons of boarding vs. having horses at home. Everyone basically touched on all of the concerns we had as well. We would have to do some major figuring out and preparations before moving a horse to our own property, which we would obviously have to get first :) So I guess for right now, we can safely say it will be a little while before it happens, but one day we would like to do that. Adventures of a Horse Crazed Mind had some excellent ideas though of finding alternatives to boarding at a boarding barn per say though. Those will be worth checking out as well for sure. We have decided that for now we will not move. We are keeping the information for the other place on hand, but we thought about it, and honestly we don't see those annoying people all that often (since they don't do anything with their horses) so we will wait and see. If things continue to be a problem with her, we will talk to the barn owner (which we know will be fruitless, but at least we would have tried) and if things still continue, then we would seriously consider moving. Soccer is only temporary and I know 4H, although it is two groups weekly, that will only last until the fair, and then things will be back to normal. They will not come out and ride anymore and therefore will not be bothering us. So yeah.
I have another lesson again last night. I attempted loping yesterday, but after going to the right, her good side, she got all balky and snorty. So I know she knew what was coming next and I don't know for sure, but I'm thinking it may be time for the chiro again, but seeing as though I'm still without a job, that's a little tricky. BUT, speaking of jobs, hehe, I have another interview tomorrow. (even though I'm really kinda liking this staying home deal) This time it's with a big law firm. It would only be legal secretary, but for a firm with 12 lawyers, I'm thinking it should pay well and heck, maybe I'll even be able to get SOME benefits!! So cross your fingers for me. If I do get this job, and depending on what it pays and offers, my hubby may be going to college (his first time) for the veterinary technician program. He's been welding for 28 years now and between his knee problems and the fact there are no decent paying jobs, he's getting tired of it and he thinks he would enjoy vet tech. But for him to do that, I would need a job first. So yeah. I am laying this all out in the hands of fate, with a little persuasion from myself and hope it all works out. I just know he needs a change, whether it's a new field or going out on his own (which may be another alternative), he needs change. But for right now, I'm filling out the wondrous FASFA to see what kind of financial aid (hopefully lots of GRANTS) he would be able to get if he will be going.
Now for some randomness.
My son had all of his kindergarten shots monday. NOT fun. Me being the mean mom I am, and knowing that we may not have insurance for all that much longer, I opted to have all of his shots done at once instead of two separate visits. So he had 4 shots and believe you me, he was NOT a happy camper. Slept like a baby when he got home though :) On our way home, through tear soaked eyes, he looks at me and solemnly says, "Mom, I really didn't WANT to go do kindergarten you know." LOL!!! I told him he might as well go now that he got his shots otherwise they would be for nothing. I tried telling him a day of pain after shots were better than getting the weeks of sicknesses they prevent, but he wasn't too convinced with those lines :)
Do you know if female blueheelers get more aggressive when they get older? Does it matter if they are fixed or not? Or if they are in heat? We've had our Catahoula Leopard (Lily) and Blue Heeler (Molly) since they were a few months old and big dog since she was about 3. Big dog rules the roost, no questions there. They are all about 9 years old now. No one messes with her hands down. The other two though, they are strange dogs. Lily (the CL) has always been picked on, by every dog we've had since we've gotten her. They've always growled at her or snapped at her for whatever reason. And she just turns and goes away. Every dog we've had has done it and it's sad because she's so playful and loving. She just annoys them for some odd reason. She's the best. Doesn't bark, doesn't jump, loves car rides, LOVES to go for walks and play ball, follows the boys around (which annoys them too, lol) etc. Molly, the heeler on the other hand, isn't like any heeler my hubbys ever had. She HATES the car. Keeps her tail between her legs when on walks. Barks incessantly at nothing. Won't play ball (but she'll very roughly heel Lily when she's playing). And generally hides when anyones around. But lately, she's been going after Lily for no reason whatsoever. Just last night (and it's not the first time), all three were laying in their room and I was just looking at them because I heard her growling. Lily wasn't even looking at her and Molly was snarling and baring her teeth at her. Well all of a sudden she darts forward and starts biting her on her face and ears while she just laid there!! I was telling her to quit it while she was still growling and obviously separated them immediately. Does this happen as the dogs get older? She's never been like this before the past maybe two months. I don't know if it's because she's not fixed. Or would that not matter? We had originally heard male heelers are aggressive, but now we're hearing female heelers get more aggressive the older they get. If it's because she's not fixed, would fixing her now help, or no? I have the vet appt in two weeks for shots, but I wondered if any of you knew.
Those of you with kids of the two legged squirmy kind, I have a question. Or those of you without, you may be able to remember from your childhood. What do you do with all of your old clothes? With my older boy, he was soft on his clothes. Nothing was ever worn out. Obviously I had wanted more kids, so I kept them all and as luck (or my kind of luck anyhow, lol) would have it, I had another boy, so they are being well used. With this guy, he's starting to wear everything out. He plays hard and is hard on his clothes. But with what isn't too used, I'm not sure what to do. See, when I was a kid, my mom traded clothes with my other aunts for my cousins. Or she gave them away rather since my brother and I are grandkids #1 and #4 out of 17 (not including steps), so there weren't much there to give to us. Anyhow, she gave our clothes to other cousins, or sold them at our every few year garage sales. She knew she wasn't having any more kids. I think I'm taking after my dad, who's a packrat, and I have all the boys clothes (that wasn't rag or toss worthy) sorted in tubs with the size on them. I don't really want to have a garage sale, we don't live in the nicest of neighborhoods though lord knows we have enough junk to make a small fortune, but I don't know if I should keep the clothes or give them to my sisters for my smaller than my kids nephews.
I'm sure you are wondering why this is a dilemma. It shouldn't be. there is about a 1 in 10,000 chance that I will have another kid. I'd love to, and if I had got a job soon and we moved into our own house (from our current 700 sq ft, 2 bedroom living area), I think we would have another. Possibly. Hubby is 46 and doesn't want to be dead before our youngest kid graduates high school, ya know? So I don't know. My mind is telling me the thing to do is give the clothes to my sisters. But my heart (aka hope) is telling me "no, no, you MIGHT need them. Some day." But then my mind is telling me look, you can ALWAYS get more. So tell me, what do you all do? I know circumstances may not be the same, but something you say might ease my mind and make me just let them go. Of course I wouldn't be able to get rid of their wranglers, cowboy boots or western shirts. My sisters would have absolutely no use for those like we had :) And maybe I'll keep those for the boys to give to their kids 15-20 years (maybe less, but let's cross our fingers it's not, lol) down the road. I know, I'm being dumb. lol
I have another lesson again last night. I attempted loping yesterday, but after going to the right, her good side, she got all balky and snorty. So I know she knew what was coming next and I don't know for sure, but I'm thinking it may be time for the chiro again, but seeing as though I'm still without a job, that's a little tricky. BUT, speaking of jobs, hehe, I have another interview tomorrow. (even though I'm really kinda liking this staying home deal) This time it's with a big law firm. It would only be legal secretary, but for a firm with 12 lawyers, I'm thinking it should pay well and heck, maybe I'll even be able to get SOME benefits!! So cross your fingers for me. If I do get this job, and depending on what it pays and offers, my hubby may be going to college (his first time) for the veterinary technician program. He's been welding for 28 years now and between his knee problems and the fact there are no decent paying jobs, he's getting tired of it and he thinks he would enjoy vet tech. But for him to do that, I would need a job first. So yeah. I am laying this all out in the hands of fate, with a little persuasion from myself and hope it all works out. I just know he needs a change, whether it's a new field or going out on his own (which may be another alternative), he needs change. But for right now, I'm filling out the wondrous FASFA to see what kind of financial aid (hopefully lots of GRANTS) he would be able to get if he will be going.
Now for some randomness.
My son had all of his kindergarten shots monday. NOT fun. Me being the mean mom I am, and knowing that we may not have insurance for all that much longer, I opted to have all of his shots done at once instead of two separate visits. So he had 4 shots and believe you me, he was NOT a happy camper. Slept like a baby when he got home though :) On our way home, through tear soaked eyes, he looks at me and solemnly says, "Mom, I really didn't WANT to go do kindergarten you know." LOL!!! I told him he might as well go now that he got his shots otherwise they would be for nothing. I tried telling him a day of pain after shots were better than getting the weeks of sicknesses they prevent, but he wasn't too convinced with those lines :)
Do you know if female blueheelers get more aggressive when they get older? Does it matter if they are fixed or not? Or if they are in heat? We've had our Catahoula Leopard (Lily) and Blue Heeler (Molly) since they were a few months old and big dog since she was about 3. Big dog rules the roost, no questions there. They are all about 9 years old now. No one messes with her hands down. The other two though, they are strange dogs. Lily (the CL) has always been picked on, by every dog we've had since we've gotten her. They've always growled at her or snapped at her for whatever reason. And she just turns and goes away. Every dog we've had has done it and it's sad because she's so playful and loving. She just annoys them for some odd reason. She's the best. Doesn't bark, doesn't jump, loves car rides, LOVES to go for walks and play ball, follows the boys around (which annoys them too, lol) etc. Molly, the heeler on the other hand, isn't like any heeler my hubbys ever had. She HATES the car. Keeps her tail between her legs when on walks. Barks incessantly at nothing. Won't play ball (but she'll very roughly heel Lily when she's playing). And generally hides when anyones around. But lately, she's been going after Lily for no reason whatsoever. Just last night (and it's not the first time), all three were laying in their room and I was just looking at them because I heard her growling. Lily wasn't even looking at her and Molly was snarling and baring her teeth at her. Well all of a sudden she darts forward and starts biting her on her face and ears while she just laid there!! I was telling her to quit it while she was still growling and obviously separated them immediately. Does this happen as the dogs get older? She's never been like this before the past maybe two months. I don't know if it's because she's not fixed. Or would that not matter? We had originally heard male heelers are aggressive, but now we're hearing female heelers get more aggressive the older they get. If it's because she's not fixed, would fixing her now help, or no? I have the vet appt in two weeks for shots, but I wondered if any of you knew.
Those of you with kids of the two legged squirmy kind, I have a question. Or those of you without, you may be able to remember from your childhood. What do you do with all of your old clothes? With my older boy, he was soft on his clothes. Nothing was ever worn out. Obviously I had wanted more kids, so I kept them all and as luck (or my kind of luck anyhow, lol) would have it, I had another boy, so they are being well used. With this guy, he's starting to wear everything out. He plays hard and is hard on his clothes. But with what isn't too used, I'm not sure what to do. See, when I was a kid, my mom traded clothes with my other aunts for my cousins. Or she gave them away rather since my brother and I are grandkids #1 and #4 out of 17 (not including steps), so there weren't much there to give to us. Anyhow, she gave our clothes to other cousins, or sold them at our every few year garage sales. She knew she wasn't having any more kids. I think I'm taking after my dad, who's a packrat, and I have all the boys clothes (that wasn't rag or toss worthy) sorted in tubs with the size on them. I don't really want to have a garage sale, we don't live in the nicest of neighborhoods though lord knows we have enough junk to make a small fortune, but I don't know if I should keep the clothes or give them to my sisters for my smaller than my kids nephews.
I'm sure you are wondering why this is a dilemma. It shouldn't be. there is about a 1 in 10,000 chance that I will have another kid. I'd love to, and if I had got a job soon and we moved into our own house (from our current 700 sq ft, 2 bedroom living area), I think we would have another. Possibly. Hubby is 46 and doesn't want to be dead before our youngest kid graduates high school, ya know? So I don't know. My mind is telling me the thing to do is give the clothes to my sisters. But my heart (aka hope) is telling me "no, no, you MIGHT need them. Some day." But then my mind is telling me look, you can ALWAYS get more. So tell me, what do you all do? I know circumstances may not be the same, but something you say might ease my mind and make me just let them go. Of course I wouldn't be able to get rid of their wranglers, cowboy boots or western shirts. My sisters would have absolutely no use for those like we had :) And maybe I'll keep those for the boys to give to their kids 15-20 years (maybe less, but let's cross our fingers it's not, lol) down the road. I know, I'm being dumb. lol
Friday, May 8, 2009
Fun Friday Funnies
No complaining this week, I PROMISE!! lol
Here are your fun Friday funnies:
Little Boy On A Bus
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked, ' Why do you wear your collar backwards?
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The Little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that’.
The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said, 'I am the Father of Hundreds!’, and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a long while, then Leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom….and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar
________________________________
(keeping with the priest theme :)) this is courtesy of Miss Roxmysocks)
FATHER O'MALLEY
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas....
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...............................
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
________________________________
Here are some men funnies (courtesy of Miss Lisa at Laughing Orca Ranch) for your Mother's Day delight:
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials.. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps.. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
_______________________________
My One Day of Employment:
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
(Good thing I don't work at Walmart, things like this would DEFINITELY come out of my mouth quite often, lol!!)
__________________________
And here's for everyone for Mothers Day!! Whether you are the mother of the two or four legged kind, this is for us all:
Here are your fun Friday funnies:
Little Boy On A Bus
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked, ' Why do you wear your collar backwards?
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The Little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that’.
The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said, 'I am the Father of Hundreds!’, and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a long while, then Leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom….and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar
________________________________
(keeping with the priest theme :)) this is courtesy of Miss Roxmysocks)
FATHER O'MALLEY
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas....
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...............................
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
________________________________
Here are some men funnies (courtesy of Miss Lisa at Laughing Orca Ranch) for your Mother's Day delight:
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials.. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps.. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
_______________________________
My One Day of Employment:
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
(Good thing I don't work at Walmart, things like this would DEFINITELY come out of my mouth quite often, lol!!)
__________________________
And here's for everyone for Mothers Day!! Whether you are the mother of the two or four legged kind, this is for us all:
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
@#%&* Boarding Barn and another great lesson
GAH!! That's all I can say. We are so frusterated with our boarding barn. It just keeps getting worse. We pay board for two horses. We are not very demanding boarders at all. If our horses are fat and happy, we usually are too. We do not request special treatment, like our horses being turned out without any others because we have a horse that we show in the 4H and so we don't want them marked up (who does?) by fighting and picking in the pastures. Our horses are mares and last summer there was a big big issue with a draft gelding thinking they were HIS. The last straw, after weeks and weeks of attempting to catch our horses to ride after chasing them for 45 minutes each time only to have him keep chasing them away, was us leaving a nasy message on the board about not wanting to get killed while attempting to get our horses from the pasture. We had told the barn owner several times that it was very difficult with our horses being out with this one. He never had problems because he always brought this horse in first at feeding time. We were not going to take that horse in just to get ours in. We were not going to be responsible for someone else's horse. That day of the nasty message on the board was because that big draft was rearing up and fighting with another 1/2 draft idiot about 10 feet away from me. I was not having that so the note basically said do not turn our horses out anymore. Barn owner did not want that because then that meant using extra shavings for the stalls and extra hay as they would not be grazing. So he put then in the smaller pasture with the only other mare there, which is what he should have been doing all along. HE even told us when we first got there that mares do not belong with geldings because of that very reason. Tell me now, we were wrong in wanting that?? He's had attitude against us ever since. To add fuel to the fire, at the same time Sassie was getting trained, another horse was getting trained at the barn. He gave THAT boarder fee board if she cleaned stalls because her horse was getting trained and it was expensive for both board and training. Ummmm, so we were. AND we were paying for TWO horses. Were our expenses not just as much??? But we NEVER asked for reduced or free board because owner told us, again, that he doesn't do deals because then everyone wants them. Hmmmmm. Apparently that's only for certain boarders. It's just getting so ridiculous.
Now, there are two boarders who are in two different 4H groups. These groups have been meeting at their leaders place for the last two years. Now all of a sudden last week, one of the groups wanted to hold their meeting at our barn. So the owners CLOSES OFF THE INDOOR arena the day before their meeting and no one can ride in there (it was really windy out and none of the horses had been outside yet even to graze because it's been so flooded from all the rain) so that he can tear it up and water it for the 4H group. Doesn't do that for the boarders who are PAYING their hard earned money to be there, but does it for this ONE boarder's 4H groups. Then we find out they never even showed up. Then last night, the OTHER boarder puts up a note that HER daughter's 4H group is going to be meeting there now too. So, we are now down 2 nights of riding out there because of the two 4H groups and our boys now have soccer on two DIFFERENT nights leaving us to be able to ride out there 3 nights. Be honest with me, and I do mean that, are we getting mad for no reason? We are getting very irritated that this owner goes out of his way for just these two boarders. Very irritated. I don't know if it's irrational or not.
We have been looking around at houses with a little bit of acreage to eventually move to. Unfortunately it will be a little while before we will be able to make that happen. Talking honestly to this barn owner does not help. He does what he wants because that's what HE has decided is best regardless of anyone else's opinion or experiences. We have talked many times about switching barns, but there just aren't very many barns in a reasonable distance from our house. This barn is already about 1/2 hour -40 minutes depending on traffic. Our trainer gives lessons at a few other places and she actually is giving one today at a nice barn that we've heard about, but never knew where it was. So if it's close to what we pay now, we are going to make the switch I guess.
Everyone who has horses on your own property, what are the biggest pros and cons? When we have discussed moving them onto our own property when we can, it seems there are more cons than pros, BUT, the pros are bigger. You know, make more of a difference than the cons. Let me know what your pros and cons are.
And for other boarders similar to me (or those that have had to board in the past), what's your situation? Do you like where you board? Are there any conflicts that irritate you to no end? Are there cliques? Do the owners favor certain boarders over others? How do you deal with issues when they come up? Any suggestions for us? lol
I know, I know, so much hostility. Sometimes it just feels better to write it all out I suppose. We usually try to be helpful and accomodating. Last summer when the county fair was going on, the boarder that cleans stalls for free board was at the fair. She didn't want to leave the fair to clean stalls (which, she would have only had to do like twice a week really because the horses were turned out all day, therefore only messing their stalls at night) so she had the barn owner ask US to clean stalls. SHE wouldn't even ask us. Then, when we did and we fed all week, she didn't even thanks us for it. That's how she is. Her and the other boarder in 4H are the only two we have issue with because it's always all about them. Our horses are POS's, but THEIRS are gods gift to horse owners. NOT. Their horses are worthless to me, maybe not to them, but at least we don't make comments about them. At least not to their face, just amongst ourselves. It's just so ridiculous. GAHHHH!!!
On a brighter note, the weekend went well. Chuck E Cheese was better than we expected. I'm not a big fan, but the food was decent and we did have some fun talking to everyone we hadn't seen in awhile. Then the water park on Saturday was pretty fun. It was a little small to spend a whole weekend there or anything, but definitely a fun day trip type thing. Sunday was the First Communion. That went well. I have to get the pictures from my brother though. He has a great camera and was nice enough to take pictures for me :) We went for ice cream afterwards.
I had another lesson last night (which is where the ranting from above came out of, they both put their 4H meetings on the board last night) and it went awesome!! We started working last week on the extended jog because she's doing well with rounding in the corners and she's starting to keep a nice slower controled jog. So with doing the extended jog, we also post. I havn't done posting in like 8 years!!! lol My legs are definitely feeling it. I'm sure even worse tomorrow. The trainer wanted to try to focus on the lope a little more last night (she was frusterated with giving lessons to the one boarder's daughter, the one who gets free board, because they were being even nasty to her too!! She asked the girl if she had been riding and the girl said really nasty, almost proud, "NOPE!" so the trainer was really upset and is wondering why she even wastes her time because it doesn't even pay for her gas to get there). I think my horse has it out for the trainer. I said in my prior post that Sassie does this huge leap type bucky thing to get into the correct lead going to the left. Well, last night she kept almost stopping to do this buck thing, but she'd aim herself right at the trainer sitting on the mounting block!!! It was kind of funny, the trainer even got up and ran once (she was laughing too), and it didn't matter if I was 1/2 way across the arena, Sassie would aim straight for her!! I need to learn how to lean back a little more. Or sit back rather. When we lope to the left, I prepare myself, and that's not a good thing. I start leaning forward, anticipating that little buck and leap forward she does. My trainer said it's really bad to do that because she's afraid Sassie's head is going to come back and smack me and knock me out. But I lean forward because I always think I might fall off the back!! lol So, we need to find a compromise. The trainer is still amazed at how Sassie twists herself when trying to go to the left. I did notice too, that Sassie seems to know that she needs to get that inside leg to reach further, and that's why she kind of stops and hops to push herself up into it, but I think maybe with me anticipating it, I hold her back. So I think I might need to just sit tight and hang on and let her try her thing next time and see how it works. Once she starts going, I need to focus on just getting her to keep going and not letting her drop her shoulder in, which she was definitely doing. I felt like we were skidding around on a 45 degree angle. So yeah. Right side? No problemo at all. Goes right into it really smooth. I've been working her more on her left side to try to build it up. It's definitely taking awhile.
Ok, that's all for now. Off to have lunch with hubby at his work, which will be a nice change. Then home to continue cleaning and sorting the kids' clothes. Fun fun. I'm also cleaning off my desk so that I can SCRAPBOOK!! I've been off a month now and have not scrap booked one single time! It's crazyness. So I'm busting my butt with that. And finding a job :) Still working on that too. There have been a few really good ones I've found lately, so cross your fingers for me :)
Now, there are two boarders who are in two different 4H groups. These groups have been meeting at their leaders place for the last two years. Now all of a sudden last week, one of the groups wanted to hold their meeting at our barn. So the owners CLOSES OFF THE INDOOR arena the day before their meeting and no one can ride in there (it was really windy out and none of the horses had been outside yet even to graze because it's been so flooded from all the rain) so that he can tear it up and water it for the 4H group. Doesn't do that for the boarders who are PAYING their hard earned money to be there, but does it for this ONE boarder's 4H groups. Then we find out they never even showed up. Then last night, the OTHER boarder puts up a note that HER daughter's 4H group is going to be meeting there now too. So, we are now down 2 nights of riding out there because of the two 4H groups and our boys now have soccer on two DIFFERENT nights leaving us to be able to ride out there 3 nights. Be honest with me, and I do mean that, are we getting mad for no reason? We are getting very irritated that this owner goes out of his way for just these two boarders. Very irritated. I don't know if it's irrational or not.
We have been looking around at houses with a little bit of acreage to eventually move to. Unfortunately it will be a little while before we will be able to make that happen. Talking honestly to this barn owner does not help. He does what he wants because that's what HE has decided is best regardless of anyone else's opinion or experiences. We have talked many times about switching barns, but there just aren't very many barns in a reasonable distance from our house. This barn is already about 1/2 hour -40 minutes depending on traffic. Our trainer gives lessons at a few other places and she actually is giving one today at a nice barn that we've heard about, but never knew where it was. So if it's close to what we pay now, we are going to make the switch I guess.
Everyone who has horses on your own property, what are the biggest pros and cons? When we have discussed moving them onto our own property when we can, it seems there are more cons than pros, BUT, the pros are bigger. You know, make more of a difference than the cons. Let me know what your pros and cons are.
And for other boarders similar to me (or those that have had to board in the past), what's your situation? Do you like where you board? Are there any conflicts that irritate you to no end? Are there cliques? Do the owners favor certain boarders over others? How do you deal with issues when they come up? Any suggestions for us? lol
I know, I know, so much hostility. Sometimes it just feels better to write it all out I suppose. We usually try to be helpful and accomodating. Last summer when the county fair was going on, the boarder that cleans stalls for free board was at the fair. She didn't want to leave the fair to clean stalls (which, she would have only had to do like twice a week really because the horses were turned out all day, therefore only messing their stalls at night) so she had the barn owner ask US to clean stalls. SHE wouldn't even ask us. Then, when we did and we fed all week, she didn't even thanks us for it. That's how she is. Her and the other boarder in 4H are the only two we have issue with because it's always all about them. Our horses are POS's, but THEIRS are gods gift to horse owners. NOT. Their horses are worthless to me, maybe not to them, but at least we don't make comments about them. At least not to their face, just amongst ourselves. It's just so ridiculous. GAHHHH!!!
On a brighter note, the weekend went well. Chuck E Cheese was better than we expected. I'm not a big fan, but the food was decent and we did have some fun talking to everyone we hadn't seen in awhile. Then the water park on Saturday was pretty fun. It was a little small to spend a whole weekend there or anything, but definitely a fun day trip type thing. Sunday was the First Communion. That went well. I have to get the pictures from my brother though. He has a great camera and was nice enough to take pictures for me :) We went for ice cream afterwards.
I had another lesson last night (which is where the ranting from above came out of, they both put their 4H meetings on the board last night) and it went awesome!! We started working last week on the extended jog because she's doing well with rounding in the corners and she's starting to keep a nice slower controled jog. So with doing the extended jog, we also post. I havn't done posting in like 8 years!!! lol My legs are definitely feeling it. I'm sure even worse tomorrow. The trainer wanted to try to focus on the lope a little more last night (she was frusterated with giving lessons to the one boarder's daughter, the one who gets free board, because they were being even nasty to her too!! She asked the girl if she had been riding and the girl said really nasty, almost proud, "NOPE!" so the trainer was really upset and is wondering why she even wastes her time because it doesn't even pay for her gas to get there). I think my horse has it out for the trainer. I said in my prior post that Sassie does this huge leap type bucky thing to get into the correct lead going to the left. Well, last night she kept almost stopping to do this buck thing, but she'd aim herself right at the trainer sitting on the mounting block!!! It was kind of funny, the trainer even got up and ran once (she was laughing too), and it didn't matter if I was 1/2 way across the arena, Sassie would aim straight for her!! I need to learn how to lean back a little more. Or sit back rather. When we lope to the left, I prepare myself, and that's not a good thing. I start leaning forward, anticipating that little buck and leap forward she does. My trainer said it's really bad to do that because she's afraid Sassie's head is going to come back and smack me and knock me out. But I lean forward because I always think I might fall off the back!! lol So, we need to find a compromise. The trainer is still amazed at how Sassie twists herself when trying to go to the left. I did notice too, that Sassie seems to know that she needs to get that inside leg to reach further, and that's why she kind of stops and hops to push herself up into it, but I think maybe with me anticipating it, I hold her back. So I think I might need to just sit tight and hang on and let her try her thing next time and see how it works. Once she starts going, I need to focus on just getting her to keep going and not letting her drop her shoulder in, which she was definitely doing. I felt like we were skidding around on a 45 degree angle. So yeah. Right side? No problemo at all. Goes right into it really smooth. I've been working her more on her left side to try to build it up. It's definitely taking awhile.
Ok, that's all for now. Off to have lunch with hubby at his work, which will be a nice change. Then home to continue cleaning and sorting the kids' clothes. Fun fun. I'm also cleaning off my desk so that I can SCRAPBOOK!! I've been off a month now and have not scrap booked one single time! It's crazyness. So I'm busting my butt with that. And finding a job :) Still working on that too. There have been a few really good ones I've found lately, so cross your fingers for me :)
Friday, May 1, 2009
Funnies for this Fun Friday and PSA
I say Fun Friday because today is my dad's 70th birthday. Sadly enough, he doesn't like to celebrate birthdays because of something that happened when he turned 7 years old. But for this birthday, two of my three older sisters will be coming here from TN and NC with their hubbys (and two of their kids - 20 and 16) and then my brother and I live here already (lucky him, lol!). So today for his birthday we are going to Chuck E Cheese. Not MY first choice, but my sister thought it would be a good idea with some of the little grandkids (4 out of 17 total are little) and great grandkids (2 out of the total 4) that will be there so they can run around and it won't bother anyone. So that's it for today and then tomorrow we are going to the indoor waterpark at the hotel where my sisters are staying. Fun fun! It will be the first one the boys will have ever gone to, so we are excited. Not too excited for swimsuit time right after winter mind you, but excited for water fun none the less. We will also be going garage saling tomorrow morning. Then on Sunday after they leave, we will be attending my older boys first holy communion. Unfortunately, neither my husband nor myself will be able to take communion with him, and that really bothers me. See, since I married someone who was married previously, I cannot take communion because he didn't have an annulment. He's in the process, bless his heart for wanting to do that for me, but I cannot take communion because of it. I made my communion sacrament and all sacraments up to marriage, I just do not see why all of a sudden I'm not allowed to take communion because my spouse, and we are not even technically married in the Catholic church, was married before, not even married Catholic, so it shouldn't even technically be considered a marriage in the Catholic Church's eyes, right??? Ok, sorry for that tangent. It just irks me.
So for today's friday funnies, I do have two funny personal ones. I remembered the one from last week that I couldn't remember, and my 5 year old supplies me with endless amounts on a daily basis, I just have to remember them. lol My dad and I were talking about keys and locking doors and what not when he told me that apparently, one time when he was watching my little guy, that said little guy locked grandpa out of the house. Grandpa's keys were IN the house. Then "the little turkey", as he's so affectionately called by grandpa, couldn't get the dead bolt back unlocked. lol!! So grandpa had to go around the house and climb through the 1/2 gate to get into the barricaded (because we don't need dogs getting out) backyard to get in through the back door. I asked grandpa if he tanned "little turkey's" hide, but he did not. I thought that was pretty funny.
Then this past week, while driving my older one to school, we have to go over some train tracks. You all know how some of them kind of rise a bit and you get that roller coaster feeling in your stomach. Not my little guy, lol. After going up and over them, he says to me, "Mom, you need to stop going over train tracks. They make my peepee scared." lol!! I said oh, ok then. I thought it was pretty funny though.
Ok, without further ado, here are the rest of this weeks funnies:
Ooops. PSA first:
I'm sure you've all heard about the Swine Flu going around (now it's supposed to be called something else because of all the idiots across the world slaughtering their pigs). Please, please, heed the professionals warning on how to avoid the swine flu.
DON'T DO THIS:
(hehe, sorry, had to do it)
Married 30 years
After being married for 30 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 30 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
__________________________
Union Rules and Hookers
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
_______________________________
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Meet Coldwater...............
_________________________
BOY SITTING ON TOILET
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP..
THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
_____________________________
Retirement Investment Plan
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $42.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
___________________________
Ok. That's all I have for this week! Enjoy your weekend and have fun out there!
So for today's friday funnies, I do have two funny personal ones. I remembered the one from last week that I couldn't remember, and my 5 year old supplies me with endless amounts on a daily basis, I just have to remember them. lol My dad and I were talking about keys and locking doors and what not when he told me that apparently, one time when he was watching my little guy, that said little guy locked grandpa out of the house. Grandpa's keys were IN the house. Then "the little turkey", as he's so affectionately called by grandpa, couldn't get the dead bolt back unlocked. lol!! So grandpa had to go around the house and climb through the 1/2 gate to get into the barricaded (because we don't need dogs getting out) backyard to get in through the back door. I asked grandpa if he tanned "little turkey's" hide, but he did not. I thought that was pretty funny.
Then this past week, while driving my older one to school, we have to go over some train tracks. You all know how some of them kind of rise a bit and you get that roller coaster feeling in your stomach. Not my little guy, lol. After going up and over them, he says to me, "Mom, you need to stop going over train tracks. They make my peepee scared." lol!! I said oh, ok then. I thought it was pretty funny though.
Ok, without further ado, here are the rest of this weeks funnies:
Ooops. PSA first:
I'm sure you've all heard about the Swine Flu going around (now it's supposed to be called something else because of all the idiots across the world slaughtering their pigs). Please, please, heed the professionals warning on how to avoid the swine flu.
DON'T DO THIS:
(hehe, sorry, had to do it)
Married 30 years
After being married for 30 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 30 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
__________________________
Union Rules and Hookers
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
_______________________________
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Meet Coldwater...............
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BOY SITTING ON TOILET
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP..
THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
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Retirement Investment Plan
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $42.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
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Ok. That's all I have for this week! Enjoy your weekend and have fun out there!
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