Here are your Friday Funnies to make you some smiles :) (sorry I missed last week)
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your pin on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your Coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
11 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work... You try
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again... "I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
Children Writing About the Ocean...and where do they get these ideas???
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't bl ow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean.. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,
really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous... Jellyfish can sting.. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age eight)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean..
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians !"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
And lastly, some underlying State Mottos (I know Ohio is DEFINITELY true! lol, Sorry you Michiganders!)
Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared