Here are your Friday Funnies for today. I hope you enjoy!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Haunting from the grave
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could pee all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The Empire State Building
Three men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to one of the others, "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor."
The other man says "no way, you're jokin aren't you?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 3rd man just shakes his head.
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The 3rd man says to the first man.. "You know, you're a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"
and lastly.... 25 Signs you drink too much coffee
1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
3. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
4. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
5. You chew on other people's fingernails.
6. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
7. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
8. You don't sweat, you percolate.
9. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
10.You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
11.You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
12.Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
13.You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
14.The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
15.Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
16.Instant coffee takes too long.
17.When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
18.You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
19.Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
20.You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
22.You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
22.You short out motion detectors.
23.Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
24.You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
25.You help your dog chase its tail.
Ok, that's enough today. Maybe I need some coffee to keep up with my little rugamuffin man. He zips through the house so fast he's a blur! lol Have a great day and hope your weekend is nice and dry (at least for all of us who have been having non-stop rain the past few days!) Our move to the new barn is Sunday. So far, so good.