Friday, May 1, 2009

Funnies for this Fun Friday and PSA

I say Fun Friday because today is my dad's 70th birthday. Sadly enough, he doesn't like to celebrate birthdays because of something that happened when he turned 7 years old. But for this birthday, two of my three older sisters will be coming here from TN and NC with their hubbys (and two of their kids - 20 and 16) and then my brother and I live here already (lucky him, lol!). So today for his birthday we are going to Chuck E Cheese. Not MY first choice, but my sister thought it would be a good idea with some of the little grandkids (4 out of 17 total are little) and great grandkids (2 out of the total 4) that will be there so they can run around and it won't bother anyone. So that's it for today and then tomorrow we are going to the indoor waterpark at the hotel where my sisters are staying. Fun fun! It will be the first one the boys will have ever gone to, so we are excited. Not too excited for swimsuit time right after winter mind you, but excited for water fun none the less. We will also be going garage saling tomorrow morning. Then on Sunday after they leave, we will be attending my older boys first holy communion. Unfortunately, neither my husband nor myself will be able to take communion with him, and that really bothers me. See, since I married someone who was married previously, I cannot take communion because he didn't have an annulment. He's in the process, bless his heart for wanting to do that for me, but I cannot take communion because of it. I made my communion sacrament and all sacraments up to marriage, I just do not see why all of a sudden I'm not allowed to take communion because my spouse, and we are not even technically married in the Catholic church, was married before, not even married Catholic, so it shouldn't even technically be considered a marriage in the Catholic Church's eyes, right??? Ok, sorry for that tangent. It just irks me.

So for today's friday funnies, I do have two funny personal ones. I remembered the one from last week that I couldn't remember, and my 5 year old supplies me with endless amounts on a daily basis, I just have to remember them. lol My dad and I were talking about keys and locking doors and what not when he told me that apparently, one time when he was watching my little guy, that said little guy locked grandpa out of the house. Grandpa's keys were IN the house. Then "the little turkey", as he's so affectionately called by grandpa, couldn't get the dead bolt back unlocked. lol!! So grandpa had to go around the house and climb through the 1/2 gate to get into the barricaded (because we don't need dogs getting out) backyard to get in through the back door. I asked grandpa if he tanned "little turkey's" hide, but he did not. I thought that was pretty funny.

Then this past week, while driving my older one to school, we have to go over some train tracks. You all know how some of them kind of rise a bit and you get that roller coaster feeling in your stomach. Not my little guy, lol. After going up and over them, he says to me, "Mom, you need to stop going over train tracks. They make my peepee scared." lol!! I said oh, ok then. I thought it was pretty funny though.

Ok, without further ado, here are the rest of this weeks funnies:

Ooops. PSA first:

I'm sure you've all heard about the Swine Flu going around (now it's supposed to be called something else because of all the idiots across the world slaughtering their pigs). Please, please, heed the professionals warning on how to avoid the swine flu.

DON'T DO THIS:



(hehe, sorry, had to do it)

Married 30 years

After being married for 30 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 30 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
__________________________

Union Rules and Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. 'We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
_______________________________

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater...............


_________________________

BOY SITTING ON TOILET

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP..

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
_____________________________

Retirement Investment Plan

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $42.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
___________________________

Ok. That's all I have for this week! Enjoy your weekend and have fun out there!

4 comments:

Melissa-ParadigmFarms said...

Ezra I hope the annulmentp rocess is finished soon. I'm not Catholic myself so I don't really understand some of that stuff but I can't believe you can't take communion!

As always your Friday Funnies are great, including the home grown ones!

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Your priest is weird! My ex-husband is catholic, I'm not. We were not married in the church(obviously) so when he remarried, all he had to do was take some classes with his new bride-to-be. The church didn't even acknowledge our marriage.

401-keg plan!! LOL...If only I was younger.;)

jen098 said...

You crack me up!

I am marrying a catholic, who fortunately doesn't care we are going to hell because I am not a catholic. I am sure eventually things will get straightened out for you. So by the same theory, how can they let your son take communion? I think they should allow you too, while your hubby goes through the process.

ezra_pandora said...

Melissa: I don't understand it either. I think it's almost a form of counseling for the divorced partner though. He has to go through a LOT of memories from being married to his ex that upset him, but I think it's good for him to talk about it. I usually takes like a year, unless of course you have a few extra $$ to throw in to make it go quicker.

BEC: Even if you weren't married in the church, as long as neither of you were married before, it was still ok for him to take communion. THE CHURCH is weird!! The church doesn't acknowledge ours either until he gets the annulment and we have the marriage blessed. Yeah, I know, so many hoops.

Jen: I know, it's all so confusing. I think I should be able to too!! lol

 

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