Flippin Friday Funnies

I had a personal funny to share with you all that I was thinking about last night, but now I can't think of what it was!! lol I was talking with my dad about it, and he had asked if I wrote it down because he had just run across the book that my mom used to write funny things down that we had said when we were little. Unfortunately I had been, but that log is on my computer at work :( So, that was a mistake of mine. I always figured I would have quit and would have had enough time to transfer, print or copy anything that I needed. Guess not. Oh well.

Here's a funny one, but not the one I was thinking of. We decided to get a harness for our big dog and muzzles for all three so that we could take them for walks (they are getting C-H-U-N-K-Y) and feel a little safer that nothing will happen. We can't afford for anything to happen again. So I had bought the harness for big dog first. HA. It says extra large on it. How much bigger than extra large can you get? Well, it only goes up to 38 inches around her chest (girth, lol) area. Yeah. I tried to put it on her last night and um, it only went about half way up her sides. Yeah. So I got out the measuring tape and she's freaking 44 inches around!!!!! I'm like holy crap! This girl DEFINITELY needs to start walking. So today I set out to find a harness (an ACTUAL XL one) that fits. First pet store, only had a harness up to 40 inchs. I'm like well, we could try to squeeze it on her, but I didn't want to do that. Guy at the counter told me I'd probably have to special order one. I doubt my dog is the biggest dog ever, so I left with a little ball throwing stick instead. (I'm easily distracted when I shop. Not a good thing) Was just going to go home and re-measure her juuuust in case that 40 incher would work. On the way home is another pet store, so for giggles I stopped there. Came out with a harness that goes up to 46 inches and two muzzles. Went home. Muzzle for little dogs is too little. Harness fits big dog. Muzzle for big dog (after she stopped bucking and trying to flip over to get it off) may be just a teensy bit too big. She's such a strange fit though because her nose is somewhat shorter because of the mastiff in her, but she's not as chunky in her face (face flaps) as a mastiff. So it might be hard to fit her muzzle. Anyhow, having a dog with a 44 inch girth makes hubby feel good about his waist, which really isn't that big anyhow, but you know.

Here are this weeks friday funnies. (and if I remember my other one, I may edit it later to add it, lol)

It all makes sense now! Life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
______________________________

Things Got Ya Down? Well then, consider these.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?
____________________________

Confessions (wish I would have had these last October when I had my post about going to confession, lol)

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

*************

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

************
(My favorite joke!)

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000. is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

************

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
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And last but definitely not least....

A class of five-year old students are learning to read.

One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...



" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Kids. Anything to do with kids is great. lol

It's supposed to be 80 here ALL weekend long!! I think I might plant my new pink flowers in my new cowboy boot planters. And we're going to ride LOTS this weekend for sure. It's our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow, so we are going to try to go out to eat by ourselves. At Red Lobster :) That's our tradition. We've went to Red Lobster every year since we've gotten married. Have a great weekend. I know I will be.