Saturday, April 4, 2009

Missing...

Ok, I'm sure you may have noticed something missing from my blog. (or maybe not, who knows) Figure it out? Riiiight. Friday Funnies this week. Unfortunately, my services were unexpectedly no longer needed at my place of employment (read: got fired), and the post I had ready to go, I didn't get a chance to post first. So you will have to wait a week or two for the continuation of Friday Funnies. Yesterday wasn't too funny to me (well, maybe in some senses) and honestly I was quite busy between going to my ex-employer to clean out my office and going to my first job interview an hour later :) SO, since I now have all the time in the world on my hands (for the time being), I will try to have something good for next week.

Have a great day!!

12 comments:

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Whew! So much changed in such a short time, my friend! I'm so sorry. Did you kind of see that coming? I suppose the boss got tired of you calling him out on his internet useage? Gah! That really stinks!

I'm so sorry, sweetie. But maybe it will be a new opportunity for something wonderful and better to happen for you, too. I sure hope so. And I'll keep you in my prayers and send you positive vibes that only good things happen for you from here on out, whatever they may be.

I want to 'hear' and read your sense of humor and I just know you'll get it back soon.

But for now, I've got a few that I hope will make you smile just a little bit:

1)Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

2)Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

3)Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock!

4)The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

5)As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'. Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

6)Funny Job Application
Q.- NAME:
A.- Iam Applyin

Q.- DESIRED POSITION:
A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Q.- DESIRED SALARY:
A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Q.- EDUCATION:
A.- Yes.

Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:
A.- Target for middle-management hostility.

Q.- SALARY:
A.- Less than I'm worth.

Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:
A.- It sucked.

Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
A.- Any.

Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:
A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
A.- If I had one, would I be here?

Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
A.- Of what?

Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?:
A.- Only when set on fire.

Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:
A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.

Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the best one (this just has to e the one that creates the corners of yor lips to curl upwards!)

****A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed It wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."



SMOOCHES!!
and (((HUGS)))
~Lisa

ezra_pandora said...

I know, talk about a life change. lol I didn't really see it coming at all, and in all honesty, I don't think that it was supposed to end up that way. I think the old boss was trying to use a shock factor and he was banking on me being me and the old me would have turned around and backed down, begged for my job and did their every bidding. After talking to my sister, my sister, and my dad, I kind of gained some common sense and realized that if he could do that to me now and I did beg my way back in, I would be completely at his mercy and all they would do would be use me to get what they want, teach them how to do all the things that I do know how to do and they don't, and then turn around dump me again. Oh, and I know 100% in my heart that the only way he would have "let" me come back would be to reduce my pay. The whole thing was about money to begin with and double standards. I think they were tired of me pointing out the obvious and they couldn't rationalize it because it wasn't rational. I've been unhappy there for about 3 or so years now anyhow, so reall it's a blessing in disguise. I say I wish it had been on MY terms, but my terms weren't getting me anywhere anyhow. Thanks for the prayers and positive vibes :)

And LOVE the jokes. I was cracking up!! Maybe YOU need to join in on Friday Funnies, you have great ones! lol

Roxmysox said...

Ah that sounds like a job that was seriously sucking and you are going to be better off in the long run. From here on in things get better.
Keep your chin up !

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Awww dude!

You sound very positive about it and already interviewing? Good for you!! You'll find something better, where you aren't treated like crap.

Flying Lily said...

Hope the new beginnings are exciting!

Leah Fry said...

Yeah, tell us about the job interview you went on a hour later. Sounds like other people appreciate what you know and what you can do. The best revenge is to live well :-)

Mrs Mom said...

Fingers crossed tight (and so are my legs after reading Lisa's jokes! LMAO) that the next job comes quick and clean for you! ;)

Andrea said...

I am so sorry about you loosing your job! That is so horrible. But on the upside! I hope your interviews go well!! Maybe it was really a blessing in disguise. Good luck girl!!

And Lisa, I love the joke with the boss and his wife's sign!! LOL!!

Melissa-ParadigmFarms said...

Oh wow, I am SO sorry to hear about that! But it sounds like you will be on to much better things. When your blog was set to private I got really worried!

I'll echo the tell us about your job interview requests. You sure didn't waste any time!

20 meter circle of life said...

wow take care and I will give you a great reference

kdwhorses said...

Sorry about your job. But there is a silver lining!

ezra_pandora said...

Rox: yes, it did suck royally!! lol. I'm happy to be out of there.

BEC: I hope I do find something and I'm sure I'll be happier anywhere but there, lol

LF: The unknown is always exciting and a little scary :)

MM: Thanks for all of your help :)

Andrea: It really is the best thing that could have happened. Since I was too scared to quit, they just helped me along.

Melissa: I'll make sure to post with new updates :)

20M: Thanks!! lol

KDW: hopefully there's a gold lining ;)

 

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