Friday, April 17, 2009

Friday Funnies!!

Fooled ya!! I didn't go work the horse show today at Findlay College, but I will be tomorrow, Sunday and Monday instead. So I have time for some Friday Funnies!!!

Before I do that I just want to say, if you get a chance to go see Monsters vs. Aliens in Real D 3D, do it!! I'm also going to say, I don't really understand how people are saying they go see movies now instead of going out to fancy restaurants and take vacations because, well, what we paid WITH coupons and WITH a gift certificate and WITH going for the "cheap" matinee, we basically spent what we would spend on going out to eat TWICE. lol It's so dang expensive. $7.25 for kids, $7.50 for adults at the MATINEE, you know, the "cheap" showing. Then because it was in 3D, it was an extra $3 a person. what?? sheesh!! Then popcorn and pop. I had buy one get one free large popcorn. So we got 2 pops and 2 pop corns. $15!!! What??? sheesh. So yeah. That will be once in a great great great great while type outing for us. We have horses. Those are cheaper entertainment than going to the movies once a day. No, seriously. lol

Ok, without further ado, here are a few Friday Funnies. I'm still working on my stash, so there will be a few less than normal, but still, something to laugh about on this bright and sunny warm day. Here we go:

The Ohio State Trooper:
Two men were driving through Ohio when they got pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Ohio son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Ohio, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish he'd would've tried that shit with me!"

(SO true)
_________________________________

The UPS Man
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one
hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it
got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all
the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time, with a sheet covering
us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women
try to guess who it is.

"The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.

"Your name came up seven times"
_____________________________

And then the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
A nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

****

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
Little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
______________________

and last but surely not least....
Thoughts of Men and Women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee..
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading - they get better!!!
****
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked..
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
****
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
****
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
****
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she c an help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife...
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
****
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
****
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
****
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
****
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
****
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece...
______________________

That's all for now folks. Enjoy your B-UTIFUL day, if you are having one like we are here!

8 comments:

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

And then the fight started...

Oh my dog...so true, so true!!

You know, I almost took my blog private once because my aunt got pissy about some stuff I posted, but I thought about it and finally decided what the heck...she can be as pissy as she wants...it's my blog and I'll say what I darn well want too. Of course, I added the widget thing so I knew if she came on and after she saw that the first time, she stopped reading it-LOL.
If you want to go public again, just add the widget that tells you where people are logging on from. If you notice people from your area "visiting", you will know if they are snooping or not.;)

ezra_pandora said...

You know, that is so very true because I know no one around here knows about my blog. SO, excellent idea. And I really don't truely care, but it's none of their business really. And honestly I'm not going to do anything too damning to myself. I already did all that while I worked there!!!! lol

Flying Lily said...

These are hilarious jokes and as I am currently fighting with my husband, highly appropriate to my mood!!

Leah Fry said...

I'll hang with you as long as you feel the need to stay private.

BrownEyed Cowgirls said...

Hey...I see me visiting you..LMAO!!

Melissa-ParadigmFarms said...

AAAHHH, I missed them on Friday so they are my Monday funnies!!

ezra_pandora said...

FL: lol!! just so appropriate. Don't you want to nudge him and say, "uh huh!! see!!" lol

LF: Thank you very much, it means a lot to me :)

BEC: it's funny because the first time I went on it said I was from Oregon, OH. Now I logged on and it says Toledo. hmmmmm

Melissa: I hope they were a great way to start your week then :)

Roxmysox said...

Well I'm sorry I was late but keep 'em coming. Hope all goes well.
The weather is glorious here too ;-)

 

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