Ok, I was going to make this weeks quick since I'm outta here in about an hour (and I actually should be getting some work done, hehe) but I was having too much fun perusing through all my stored jokes. So you get more. I feel like I gypped you last week anyhow :)
This first one I swear I had posted, but reviewing my previous funnies, I didn't see it. So if it was in there somewhere, I apologize. I think I may have left it out at the beginning when I got it so that I wouldn't offend anyone. Now that I know THAT'S not going to happen, lol, here it is.
The CIA Has An Opening....
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes.
'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Then it was the woman's turn...
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
Great things to put as your “I’m out of the office” automatic email response:
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Lucille' instead of Steve.
(and those of you who don't work in an office per say, you can still set your emails to do the same, lol)
A mother’s teachings
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all those green beans are gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’
(doesn't every parent wish that upon their children?? lol Mine did and I think I got myselfx5 with my younger one!!)
Here’s a funny article I had
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHIPs Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete our file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar . It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi. (Gotta love them Marines)
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband,
'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says:
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident and they find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat down to wait for an answer.
A couple of months pass. While they wait for the decision, they begin to wonder if they SHOULD get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?', they wonder, 'Are we stuck together FOREVER?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you CAN get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asks the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Things just aren't like they used to be:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
That's all for now folks!! Enjoy your weekend, I know I will be!! lol