I don't have any scary or superstitious funnies (are there any??) since today's Friday the 13th, so we'll just stick with funnies, how's that?? ohhh, maybe some valentines ones, yeah. You know, about loving husbands and wives. lol
The Black Bra
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you. Then we made love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
(bet he got no valentines day lovin' after that!!)
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
One Liners and sage advice
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband.
My wife and I always compromise; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!"
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
(ahhh, every woman's dream)
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"
Signs Cupid has gone insane:
- Is on retainer to Pam Anderson.
- Traded in the diaper for leopard-skin Speedos.
- Thinks it’s funny to keep making Bill Clinton fall madly in love with himself.
- Recent Oreo binges making it impossible for tiny wings to support his bloated girth.
- Offering ‘special military discount’ to Army drill instructors.
- Shows up with an arrow through his head and shouts, ‘Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me!’
- He’s got three days of stubble, he’s waving a half-empty bottle of Everclear, and he’s up in a clock tower with a pink assault rifle, screaming about ‘that amateur Chuck Woolery.’
(from the pages of Readers Digest)
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. "Would you have anything in black flannel?" He asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office -- and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: "I lawn for you mower and mower each day." Mark's wife loved it. The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde
ok, here's ONE funny for Friday the 13th.
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
Ok, not technically a specific for today joke, but hey, it works! lol
That's all for now. Go enjoy your kiddies and significant others (horses included), and if you don't have those, enjoy your peace and quiet!! Happy Valentines Day (early) and Friday the 13th. Have a LUCKY weekend!